


The Most Spoiled Fish In Existence

by rebelmeg



Series: Rebelmeg's TSB Fills 2020 [15]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Animal Transformation, Gen, Minor Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Pepper is exasperated, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Rhodey causes a Problem, Snarky Jarvis (Iron Man movies), Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony babbles and panics, the bots are the best
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:21:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25796578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rebelmeg/pseuds/rebelmeg
Summary: Tony finds a fish in his lab.  Why would someone give him a fish?  This remains a mystery, until he realizes that a particular Honeybear of his has simultaneously gone missing...Title: The Most Spoiled Fish In ExistenceCollaborator: rebelmegCard: 019Square Filled: Roommates/NeighborsShip: Tony & Rhodey, minor PepperonyRating: GenMajor Tags: animal transformation, crack, Tony is Very StressedSummary: Tony finds a fish in his lab.  Why would someone give him a fish?  This remains a mystery, until he realizes that a particular Honeybear of his has simultaneously gone missing...Word Count: 4288
Relationships: James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark
Series: Rebelmeg's TSB Fills 2020 [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1591063
Comments: 33
Kudos: 88
Collections: Tony Stark Flash Bingo





	The Most Spoiled Fish In Existence

**Author's Note:**

  * For [feignedsobriquet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/feignedsobriquet/gifts).



> I just want y'all to know, this is 100% SOBRI'S FAULT! There I was at 3 am this morning, complaining about the ridiculousness of properly owning a betta fish (EXTREMELY FUSSY FISHES), and then Sobri commented about how said fish has Iron Patriot colors, and said "RHODEY why are you a fish?" And that spiraled into how Tony has to keep the Rhodey fish alive until they find a counter-curse.
> 
> Well. You know me. Can't let cracky nonsense like that lie...
> 
> And yes, the picture is of my actual fish, Mr. Grumpy Gills (his full name is Mr. Pudge Grumpy Gills, because we like to cram as many references into our pet names as possible). He posed for the pic too, because he knows he's a pretty boy.

“Pepper. My favorite, my darling, light of my life—”

“I thought HR got mad at you for using those kinds of terms with your receptionists?”

“Doesn’t count with you, you’re my PA and we’re dating. As I was saying, Pepper, my favorite—”

“Can we skip to the part where you explain why you’re pestering me when you’re supposed to be enjoying your three hours of ‘absolutely responsibility free and that includes talking to you, Pepper’ Tony time?”

It was kind of hilarious, Tony could actually hear the way she was contemplating murder. “You ruin all my fun. I just want you to know that. You’re a fun ruiner.”

“That’s not what you said last night. I’m hanging up now.”

“No, wait, I have a question!”

“Then for heaven’s sake, spit it out!”

“Why did you give me a fish?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“First it was a rock. A pet rock, and you thought it was soooo funny, getting me a pet rock to go with my pet robots. I lost it within a week, Pepper! I still have no idea where Harold wandered off to, and I will probably never know!”

“What do you mean ‘wandered off’—”

“Then it was a plant. And I figured, hey, no problem, I can handle a plant. How long did it take me to kill that plant, Pepper?”

“I don’t understand how—”

“TWO DAYS. Admittedly, trying to water it with vodka accelerated its death rather quickly, but still. And then sea monkeys. Do you know how much effort it takes to kill brine shrimp, Pepper? NONE AT ALL, because I forgot I had them.”

Pepper sounded on the verge of a breakdown. “Tony, I am begging you—”

“And now a fish. A _fish_ , Pepper. Is this some kind of relationship test? What on God’s green earth makes you think I am even remotely capable of taking care of anything that requires the smallest modicum of care and attention.”

“Actually, you have two bots and an AI for children, so that argument doesn’t work.”

“THEY DON’T NEED TO BE FED OR WATERED REGULARLY.”

“Can I interject something here?”

“Oh, by all means.” He said it perfectly casually, as if he was definitely not the source of absurdity in this conversation, which he knew would drive Pepper batty.

“What are you talking about?”

Well, that stunned him into a whole three seconds of silence. “The fish.”

“What fish?!”

“The fish you left on my desk!”

“Somebody left a fish on your desk?! Was it alive?”

“Well, it’s swimming around in the bowl, so I assume so.”

“Wait, it’s a live fish in a fish bowl?”

“Are you telling me you didn’t leave it here?”

“Tony, you killed that plant in two days, why would I give you a living creature?!”

“Huh. Well. Clearly I am talking to the wrong person. Call you back.”

“Wait, Tony—”

He hung up and spun around in his chair, pulling up the entry logs for the workshop door on one of his screens. “JARVIS, who the hell else has been in my lab?”

“Colonel Rhodes stopped by earlier today.”

Tony slapped his hand over his face and dragged it down slowly. “Of course. That actually makes all the sense in the world. What did he say? Did he leave a message.”

“I’m unsure, sir. My systems suffered a brief glitch during his stay when I was implementing a few new security protocols, and by the time I got my cameras and audio back online a minute later, he was gone.”

“Huh. Alright then.” Tony hunkered down and looked at the fish swimming around in the glass jar. There were some smooth, tan-colored rocks in the bottom, but not much else, and a little plastic canister of fish food next to the jar. “What kinda fish is it?”

“It appears to be a male betta fish, judging by the bright coloring and large billowy fins.”

“Huh. Anything I should know about it?”

“I would recommend you keep it in water, sir.”

Tony snorted out a laugh as he got out of his chair to get back to work. “Wow, you’re helpful. Just astounding how truly useful you are in my life. U, did you make that smoothie purely for the fun of it, or is it for me?”

* * *

“So did you ever figure out where the fish came from?” Pepper asked that evening as they finished up having dinner together in the workshop, gesturing to the fish that was currently resting on the rocks at the bottom of the bowl.

“Rhodey, probably.” Tony answered, working on soldering a few loose wires in one of the suit gauntlets while U patiently held his dinner plate. “J said he was down here yesterday.”

Leaning down, Pepper peered into the bowl. “Silver and red, huh?” She smiled a little. “Sounds like War Machine colors.”

[ ](http://imgbox.com/wH5CbmIW)

Tony idly smiled, not really paying attention. “Mmhmm. Good joke. J, speaking of annoying platypuses, you heard back from Rhodey yet?”

“No, sir, nor have I been able to intercept any messages he might have sent to your office.”

“Hmm. Odd. He’s not usually off the map like that. Keep me updated.”

“As always.”

Pepper shook her head and smiled to herself. “Alright, you’re busy so I’m leaving. Is there any point trying to get you to go to the web security seminar at SI tomorrow?”

“Not when I’m the one that designed the system, there isn’t. I have exactly zero need to be there while it’s explained to everyone else.”

She sighed, clearly having anticipated that she’d lose that battle. “Yeah, that’s what I figured. I’ll let Happy know not to come get you. Good night, Mr. Stark. Love you." She kissed his cheek. "Good night, Rhodey fish.”

“Night, Miss Potts, love you too. Dum-E, get over here. _No_ , put the fire extinguisher down. You’re still grounded. Don’t you dare take that tone of beep with me, young man.”

* * *

It was the middle of the night and in the midst of a dream that Tony’s brain started making the connection. He was dreaming about Rhodey, and something about a fish, and JARVIS’ voice glitching. He was also wearing the sorcerer’s hat from that Mickey Mouse movie, all of which combined with a need to pee that had Tony groggily waking up and shuffling to the bathroom.

He was only half awake, missing the sink three times when he tried to wash his hands, and running them through his hair instead of drying them on a towel. He shivered a little as a droplet of water trickled down his back, then flopped face-first onto his bed, wiggling around until he was comfortable.

He was almost back to sleep, the edges of the dream just flirting with the edges of his consciousness, when it clicked.

“HOLY SHIT ON SHINGLES.”

Tony sat bolt upright in his bed, his hair a crazy mess, his eyes wide and wild with terror.

“RHODEY IS THE FISH!”

* * *

Pepper was about three seconds from physically tackling Tony and hog-tying him. It was four in the morning, and she had rushed over to the mansion in a blind panic after receiving an emergency alert half an hour ago, but so far she had no idea what was going on. She was just trying to decide if JARVIS would be helpful or not with her intended hog-tying when the panicked gibbering finally settled into something understandable.

“The fish, Pepper. The fish. I didn’t realize it at first, I didn’t put it together, but it’s the only thing that makes sense.”

She glanced at the fish bowl still sitting on Tony’s computer desk. “What about the fish?”

“JARVIS had a glitch, he said so, the whole house lost cameras for 47.3 seconds. And in that time, Rhodey vanished and the fish ended up on my desk.”

“…and?”

“HE’S THE FISH, PEPPER! RHODEY IS THE FISH! THE FISH IS RHODEY! MY BEST FRIEND HAS SCALES, GILLS, AND VERY PRETTY FINS, AND HE’S LIVING IN A GLASS BOWL ON MY DESK!”

It was around that time that Pepper considered maybe finding a new job.

* * *

“JARVIS, I need everything you can find on how to properly take care of betta fish. There's gotta be more to it than just this. And while you’re at it, order everything we’re gonna need to keep Rhodey safe and comfortable until we figure out this mess. And after you do all that, see if you can find out any information about similar animal transformations, no matter how bizarre. If there is a crazy Colombian that was turned into a capybara, I want to know about it.”

“Sir, are we certain that the fish is Colonel Rhodes? Such a thing is impossible by all the laws of physics and general common sense.”

Tony was hunched over in his chair, his chin on his hands as he studied the fish. “Yeah, I thought so too, but _look at that face_. Does that not look _precisely_ like the frown Rhodey gets when he’s feeling grumpy?!”

“I’m really not the right person to ask, I’m afraid.”

“Have you ordered the fish stuff yet?”

“In the process. What size tank would you like, sir?”

“What do they recommend?” Tony pushed off the desk and sat back, rubbing his hands over his face. He’d already had like six cups of coffee, but he still felt like he was running on empty. Panic would do that to ya.

“One gallon of water per inch of fish.”

He dropped his hands into his lap. “Are you serious? Those are the measurements we’re using now?”

“Apparently so.”

“Well… how long is he?”

“From head to tail, or including his tail fin?”

“How should I know?”

“Perhaps a three gallon tank, then?”

“Three gallons? That’s not much, is it?”

“It seems to be perfectly adequate for a fish that size.”

Throwing his hands into the air, Tony stood up and started pacing, too tired and too worried to sit still. “JARVIS, I don’t want perfectly adequate, I want the best! This is my best friend we’re talking about! You know what, get a twenty gallon tank.”

“That’s rather a lot of space for one fish, sir.”

“I want him to have room to swim! And get him some plastic plants and stuff, for variety. And food, get him the best food they’ve got.”

“Plastic plants are not recommended, the edges are too sharp and shred the fins of betta fish.”

That nearly gave him a heart palpitation. “NO PLASTIC PLANTS!”

JARVIS couldn’t actually sigh, but he managed to convey the feeling of one anyway. “I have ordered a variety of silk plants.”

“And those are safe? They won’t shred his poor little fins?”

“They are safe, sir.”

“You’re sure? Because if Rhodey gets his poor little fins shredded on my watch, I will cry.”

“A very harsh threat, sir. I am shaking in my metaphorical boots.”

"Keep that up and I'll make sure you're downgraded to metaphorical flipflops."

* * *

It had been a very long day. Tony wasn’t sure how long he’d been awake, but it felt like longer. And he’d pulled all-nighters before, he’d pulled three-consecutive-all-nighters before. But he wasn’t usually quite this stressed out, so that was probably why. JARVIS had ordered everything they needed for Rhodey, and all of it would be arriving bright and early, so Tony decided he could definitely use some sleep. He couldn’t remember if Pepper had said she was staying over tonight or not (they were still kinda trying out the whole living together thing, seeing how it worked), but he did kind of hope she was. He slept better when she was there.

JARVIS piped up just as Tony was heading for the door. “Oh, you may want to consider covering the bowl with something before you leave for the night, sir.”

“What? Why?”

“Apparently, betta fish are known jumpers, especially when hunting for food, and have been known to leap out of uncovered tanks and aquariums.”

Tony squawked, suddenly wide awake, and in a wild scramble he went careening for his desk. Slamming his hand down on top of the small bowl, he looked at the startled fish in a panic.

“What do I do now?! I can’t keep my hand over him all night!”

“I’m sure a simple piece of cardboard with holes in it or a metal rack would be fine, sir.” The AI sounded exasperated.

“But what if he knocks it over?! What if he jumps out?! RHODEY COULD DIE, JARVIS.”

“Sir, I really think you’re overreacting—”

“That’s it. He’s coming with me. I won’t be able to sleep with him down here. And I don’t want him to get lonely. He’ll think I abandoned him.” Tony muttered to himself all the way up the stairs, and after retrieving a mesh strainer from the kitchen to fit over the top of the bowl, continued muttering as he took himself and the fish to bed. "Been awhile since we've been roomies, I know, but it's happening tonight. If you pull some kinda stupid move and jump out of your bowl in the middle of the night, at least I'll be there to save you. You dumb fish. If Pepper's here, keep your unblinking eyes to yourself. Pepper in pj's is for my eyes only."

* * *

It took an entire day for Tony to declare the fish tank suitable. He had thoroughly rinsed every rock, pebble, plant, and bit of the tank and filtration system before filling the tank with carefully conditioned and filtered water. Using pH strips, he tested the water quality three times, and used three different instruments to check that it was the proper temperature.

Then it was time to transport the fish from the small bowl into the large aquarium, and Tony nearly lost his nerve.

“What if I drop him? What if he wiggles away? What if the bowl breaks and he gets cut? What if I MURDER MY RHODEY, JARVIS?!”

“Sir, you are panicking.”

“YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT I’M PANICKING.”

JARVIS sounded like he was talking to a hysterical child. “Put the aquarium net over the neck of the bowl and pour the water and the fish into it over the sink. Then simply transfer the net into the tank, and the fish will be able to swim out easily.”

“There are rocks in the bowl, JARVIS! I’ll crush him!”

“So take the rocks _out_ , sir. You are a genius and an engineer. I'm sure you'll figure it out.”

"Oh, excuse the genius for not thinking clearly, IT'S NOT LIKE MY BEST FRIEND HAS BEEN TURNED INTO A FISH OR ANYTHING."

The ordeal with the rocks took another hour (and gagging a few times once Tony realized what the brownish floaty bits in the water were), but finally Tony was standing over the workshop sink with the small silk aquarium net held tightly over the neck of the fish bowl.

“I can do this.” He was murmuring to himself, trying to get up his nerve. “I survived Afghanistan and a crazy Russian with deeply unsafe electrical BDSM gear and aliens with extra thumbs, this is nothing.”

“Sir, even if something goes wrong, a fish can survive for up to a few minutes out of water. It will be fine.” JARVIS said calmly. "Just take a deep breath."

"Is that supposed to be funny?"

"I'll just be quiet now, sir."

"Probably a good idea."

It took several more minutes of talking himself into it, then Tony finally closed his eyes and tipped the jar over.

The wiggling fish that dropped into the net cupped in his palm spurred him into action, and Tony left a trail of water droplets on the floor as he ran the three steps over to the new aquarium. Lowering the net into the water with shaking hands, he held his breath and watched as the fish swam out it.

“He’s okay? He’s okay, right?”

“He appears fine, sir. He may take a few minutes to acclimate to his surroundings, particularly the temperature change from the other water, but he appears to be fine.”

Suddenly his legs felt like noodles, and Tony wobbled. “Okay. I need to sit down.”

Dum-E was right on it, rolling Tony’s chair over and nudging it behind his knees. Tony fell into it, limbs flopping, the dripping net still held in one hand.

“We are gonna have to figure out a way to clean this tank without taking him out of it. Ever. Because I am never doing that again.”

“With that filtration system, regular 25% water changes, and a proper gravel siphon and magnetic scrubber, you might be able to get away with not cleaning it for months, sir.”

Tony let his head flop onto the back of his chair, letting Dum-E pat his forehead consolingly. “Praise Poseidon for that.”

* * *

Once his legs stopped shaking and he had a bracing cup of coffee, Tony watched the fish anxiously as it explored the tank, swimming through and around the different plants, poking its head into the coconut shell on the colorful pebbles on the bottom, rising to the surface to blow a bubble.

“Think he likes it, J?”

“I really would have no idea, sir.”

“You are the least helpful intelligence in this room. What do you think, kids? Think Rhodey likes his new home?”

Dum-E and U, who were both crowded in close to look inside the aquarium, bobbed their claws in affirmation and watched the fish with what certainly seemed to be fascination.

“I’m not gonna get them to do anything for the rest of the day, am I?” Tony muttered into his coffee mug, making a sad sound when he realized it was empty.

“Sir, it is 11:05 p.m. The day is already over.”

“What? Seriously?”

“Yes. And Miss Potts has been asking for you. She is threatening to redo your bathroom with Little Mermaid wallpaper if you don’t join her immediately.”

His lips curling into a smile, Tony set his mug aside and patted the bots. “Yeah. Guess I better go save my bathroom, then.” Lifting up the lid of the aquarium, he stuck his finger in the water and swirled it around a little, halfway hoping that Rhodey might swim up to him. “Stay alive in there, platypus. Take care, guys. Get some sleep. You too, JARVIS.”

“Good night, sir. Sleep well.”

* * *

“He looks sad. JARVIS, doesn’t he look sad?”

“Given that fish are not actually capable of expressing emotions with their faces, I couldn’t really hazard a guess, sir.”

It had been two weeks, and Tony was certain that he’d never slept less in his life. He woke up during the night repeatedly, and never could get back to sleep until he went downstairs to check on Rhodey. He was constantly afraid that he’d turn on the lights in the lab and find the fish floating lifeless in the water. He was sitting in his chair again, his chin propped up on his hands where they rested on the counter by the aquarium. Rhodey wasn’t swimming around like he often did, he was just resting on the leaves of one of his silk plants.

“Why is he sad? What should I do?”

“Sir, I am sure he is just fine, but if you insist, I will do some research.”

“Please do. I don’t want him depressed. He might be a fish, but at least I can make sure he’s happy and he has everything he needs.”

There was silence for a few minutes while JARVIS did his thing, and Tony leaned into Dum-E’s claw when the bot started gently petting his hair.

“Hey, buddy. You been keeping an eye on Rhodey for me?”

The bot chirped at him, which had U rolling over to the other side for some attention as well.

“Shall I procure a female for him?” JARVIS asked suddenly. “It can be a significant mood booster for betta fish to mate.”

Tony turned vaguely green at the thought. “If we get him a fish girlfriend, and they have babies, and then we manage to turn Rhodey back into a human again, how do you suggest that I tell him that he’s got a fish wife and fish children to take care of?”

“That’s a no on the female, then?”

“That’s a no.”

* * *

Tony spent the next few days perusing every single site he could find about the care of betta fish. He’d skimmed most of it already, but he was being more thorough now, making sure he’d done everything possible to keep Rhodey happy. He’d bought enrichment toys, and little pebbles and dried leaves that helped with the pH balance of the water and made sure there were enough of the right nutrients. He’d gotten another filtration system to mess with, and managed to improve it by 28%, so Rhodey would never have to swim around in icky water.

And while that had been going on, he and JARVIS had both been reading up on anything and everything they could find about animal transformations, but the pickings were extremely slim (and wildly kinky, if you wandered onto the wrong sites). Tony had sent a message to Thor, just in case he had any suggestions, but in the meantime, he didn’t have any reliable ideas.

“I guess there’s nothing else I can do. He’s got everything I can think of, while he’s stuck as a fish. The log, the leaf hammocks, plenty of plants and hollow rocks and things to hide in, a variety of food, the mirror and ping pong ball and those tiny moss balls to play with. He seems to like the diving figurine too. Any other ideas, J?”

“Sir, I am positive that he is the most spoiled, happy, well-cared for fish in existence. You should be very proud.”

Tony chewed on the edge of his thumbnail, worrying. “Now how do I change him back? I can’t let him stay like this forever. Betta fish only live three to five years. I can’t just let him die like this.”

“Sir, it is past midnight. The fish is perfectly safe and content, and you will accomplish nothing by worrying. Colonel Rhodes would want you to take care of yourself. And right now, you need to sleep.”

“That’s playing dirty, JARVIS. Using that kinda talk.”

“Well, I do get it from you, sir.”

Smiling just a little bit, Tony gently tapped his fingertip against the outside of the glass tank. “Okay. G’night, Rhodey. Sweet dreams. Happy swimming.”

Bidding goodnight to the bots as well, Tony shut down the lab for the night and went upstairs.

* * *

Tony was elbow-deep in the undercarriage of one of his cars, muttering notes to JARVIS when he heard the faint sound of the workshop door opening, and a whistling. He paid it no mind, it was probably Happy bringing lunch (he had requested tacos), and continued working.

The whistling stopped, and now Tony could detect the faint smell of coffee. Oh, coffee, coffee was lovely.

“J, have that good coffee place make a delivery.” He muttered, cocking his head at an uncomfortable angle in order to see the part he was working on. “I need a hazelnut latte.”

And then it was like the world flipped upside down, because _Rhodey’s voice_ suddenly asked, “Tony, why do you have a huge aquarium in your lab?”

Under the car, Tony screamed.

* * *

All Rhodey had been doing was looking at the fish tank. That was it. He hadn’t done a single thing to warrant that kind of reaction (although he had stopped at Starbucks on his way over and not gotten anything for Tony, which was kind of a dick move). Well, okay, he had been out of contact for three weeks on a mission for the Air Force, but that wasn’t too unusual. He’d told JARVIS about it when he’d come by before he left.

With several bangs and clatters, the rolling creeper bed shot out from under Tony’s Saleen S7, and the billionaire himself stumbled to his feet with an expression of abject shock on his face. His eyes were so wide they nearly popped out of his head, and Rhodey took a step back as he approached, staggering and gibbering.

“You—fish—stuck—fish—thought—magic—transformed—fish—you—”

Rhodey nearly dropped his Starbucks when Tony lunged forwards, nearly face-planting against the fish tank. Inside, the silvery blue fish with flowy, dark red fins that Rhodey had got as a joke (War Machine and Iron Patriot colors, come on) swam out of a floating log. Apparently it had been startled, and it quickly swam behind a gently swaying purple plant near the back of the aquarium.

Tony sounded shaky and stunned. “JARVIS, the fish is still there.”

“Yes, sir, it is.”

“And unless I really have finally crossed over into full-scale insanity, Rhodey is right here.” Tony flapped a hand out behind himself, catching on Rhodey’s hip.

“You are correct again.”

“Tony, should I maybe be concerned about the fact that you have apparently spent the last three weeks thinking that I was the _fish_ ?”

“Rhodey, honeybear, platypus, muffin.” Tony said, slowly standing up and turning to face him, realization dawning on his face. “So help me, if you tell me that you dropped off this fish three weeks ago and then left without leaving me any kind of explanation or a way to contact you… I am going to yank your underwear up so far over your head that you will be able to use it as a ski mask.”

Rhodey, who rarely paled even in the face of mortal danger, took one look at the deadly serious expression on Tony’s face… and gulped.


End file.
